It's So Bad, We Couldn't Even Come Up With A Name For It
ALTOONA, Pa - It's wretched, it's horrid, and most importantly, it's awfully awful. It's Awful Night (version 7.0) at Blair County Ballpark on Monday night at 7:05 p.m. as the Altoona Curve take on the Bowie Baysox (AA - Baltimore Orioles) in the rubber match of a three-game series.
Nationally recognized for providing a hideous ballpark experience, fans attending Monday's game can be sure to find front office staffers, on-field contests and the sounds of the ballpark to be downright lame.
While the infamous Captain Awful, a caricature of a man who would never be hired as the poster-boy for mental sanity has officially retired, the sub-standard torch has been passed to a younger spawn -- Admiral Awful. This half-bearded creature who is of the belief that it is socially acceptable to wear ultra tight clothes (namely a pink shirt and bright, fire-engine red BIKE shorts to compliment his purple glasses and neon green head band) can be found running amuck through the stands tonight after throwing out the evening's ceremonial first pitch, doing unprovoked interpretive dances and riding a stick pony throughout the crowd. Admiral Awful will also lead fans with a crappy rendition of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" during the seventh inning stretch (here's hoping the aforementioned BIKE shorts don't rip in the process).
Ever-present throughout the night will be awful in-game promotions. Fans will be treated to footage on the video board of a recent paint-drying expo held at Blair County Ballpark, while edge-of-the-seat excitement will be provided with video highlights from a recent "Slugfest," featuring a race of two slugs that Altoona Curve groundskeeper Derek Morton found underneath a rock beyond the right-centerfield wall. If that's not enough, a captivating grass-growing exhibition is a must-see for fans of all ages.
Even though the ballpark experience is to sure be awful, fans will not walk away empty-handed as slightly used t-shirts will be launched into the crowd. The Curve will also bring the crowd to life with a hot dog bun launch only to be followed by the Pizza Hut "Pizza Scream" (which might be half eaten...)
And for the sake of staying consistent with the evening's theme, fans can expect references to alleged schemer Bernie Madoff to be made.
The night will conclude with a group of septuagenarian ushers running the bases following the conclusion of the game.
So the Curve invite you to come out to Blair County Ballpark after digging through the back of your clothes closet to find the most snug-fitting, neon colored attire you have to join them for a night of light-hearted fun.
All fans who are well versed in dancing to The Macarena are especially encouraged to attend.
Seats may or may not be available for Monday's game. If they are, I suppose one could find out by calling 877-99-CURVE, logging on to the team's website, AltoonaCurve.com or by stopping by the Blair County Ballpark box office, where we hope Chris Keefer, the team's box office manager will there to greet you with a half-smile.
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Eastern League Stories from July 6, 2009
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