Chuck the Writer
06-30-2007, 10:04 PM
Oh man if this one were true...
From Lindsay L., Hollywood, Calif.: Dear Mr. Newman, what do you think about Paris Hilton's situation?
Answer: Lindsay, thank you for your e-mail. You cannot believe how many people have come up to me and asked that very same question. Honestly, I think that Paris Hilton is a very brilliant person, very smart and very attractive, as she would say about the ABA, "That's Hot." Certainly that she should definitely consider getting involved in the American Basketball Association. Just think of all the goodwill she could give the ABA, allowing the players to all stay at Hilton hotels throughout America, especially Hilton hotels in the cities in which ABA franchises exist. And considering that Ms. Hilton is always interested in donating to charity, perhaps a $5 million contribution to ABA Salute would be a perfect charity to donate to.
I would also like to discuss possibly having ABA players appear on her nationally televised TV shows like The Simple Life, or in future movies like House of Wax II and One More Night in Paris. I understand the ABA Supervisor of Officials, Tom Chichester, is very interested in making a short appearance in that film.
I just hope that Ms. Hilton doesn't bring any of her creepy Hollywood friends into the ABA, like Stacy Kiebler, A.J. Discala, Brian Vickers, or any of those other deadbeat owners of the Hollywood Fame team. I had to suspend that franchise for failing to meet league obligations, but I will bring the Hollywood Fame back to the ABA with a better and stronger ownership group. I've already had dozens of people pounding down my door to join the ABA. Thanks for your question, and if you have any other questions, please feel free to e-mail me at conniejoenewman@aol.com.
Once again, this is a work of fiction and satire, and is not to be assumed as the gospel truth. Except for that short part.
From Lindsay L., Hollywood, Calif.: Dear Mr. Newman, what do you think about Paris Hilton's situation?
Answer: Lindsay, thank you for your e-mail. You cannot believe how many people have come up to me and asked that very same question. Honestly, I think that Paris Hilton is a very brilliant person, very smart and very attractive, as she would say about the ABA, "That's Hot." Certainly that she should definitely consider getting involved in the American Basketball Association. Just think of all the goodwill she could give the ABA, allowing the players to all stay at Hilton hotels throughout America, especially Hilton hotels in the cities in which ABA franchises exist. And considering that Ms. Hilton is always interested in donating to charity, perhaps a $5 million contribution to ABA Salute would be a perfect charity to donate to.
I would also like to discuss possibly having ABA players appear on her nationally televised TV shows like The Simple Life, or in future movies like House of Wax II and One More Night in Paris. I understand the ABA Supervisor of Officials, Tom Chichester, is very interested in making a short appearance in that film.
I just hope that Ms. Hilton doesn't bring any of her creepy Hollywood friends into the ABA, like Stacy Kiebler, A.J. Discala, Brian Vickers, or any of those other deadbeat owners of the Hollywood Fame team. I had to suspend that franchise for failing to meet league obligations, but I will bring the Hollywood Fame back to the ABA with a better and stronger ownership group. I've already had dozens of people pounding down my door to join the ABA. Thanks for your question, and if you have any other questions, please feel free to e-mail me at conniejoenewman@aol.com.
Once again, this is a work of fiction and satire, and is not to be assumed as the gospel truth. Except for that short part.