Blast from the Past: The Wit and Wisdom of Joe Newman

[Sam Hill]

Found this that I had saved from years ago and thought it would be funny to bring it back up again. Please to enjoy:

These are actual quotes from Joe Newman, or from media types reporting on something he said:

BACK HOME AGAIN....
"We've been asked to compete with the Indiana Pacers, and we said, 'No, we live here and we're Indiana Pacer fans'. We're not looking to put a team (in Indianapolis)."
--- New Bedford (MA) Standard-Times, June 25, 1999

IT'S THE SIX OR SEVEN WE CURRENTLY HAVE THAT ARE THE REAL PROBLEM...
"Newman says 37 cities from across North America have contacted the league about having a franchise. He vows ABA 2000 will expand from an eight-team loop to 15 or 18 teams next season."
---- Associated Press, October 5, 2000
"We have received exactly 36 inquiries from groups interested in ABA 2000 expansion. The ones that have been approved (though we are still awaiting confirmations on venues) are Seattle/Tacoma, New Orleans, Anaheim, and Jacksonville. We are also leaning towards Mexico City, Baltimore, Long Island, Hamilton Ontario, and Hampton Roads VA. Also under serious consideration is Raleigh/Durham NC, Austin TX, and Milwaukee WI."
--- interview on hoopsheaven.com, March 2001.
"Hell will freeze over before we're not in Canada for the 2001 season."
--- Ottawa Sun, February 24, 2001
"Speaking of the ABA, Newman said the league will formally announce expansion plans in the coming week. Figure that one out."
--- Kansas City Star, July 6, 2001

CLYDE HAS LEFT THE BUILDING, TOO
"(Memphis owner Clyde Perlee has enough money that) he could stay in Memphis if the only person to ever show up for a game again was Elvis' widow."
--- Ottawa Sun, February 24, 2001
(Perlee attempted to move his franchise to Tucson, AZ five months later, then gave up two months later)

DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL...
"'At 5,000 (fans per game), all of our teams will be profitable,' said Newman, who expects to announce a television contract soon."
--- Associated Press, October 5, 2000.
"The TV negotiations are going well. The Fox sports rumors are true - we will be announcing the deal before the playoffs."
--- interview on hoopsheaven.com, March 2001.
"We will have TV this year. Fans across the country will see the ABA style of ball."
--- on ABA Message Board October 26, 2001
"...a TV deal is in place."
--- on ABA message board, November 1, 2001
"The TV deal is being put together now, and hope to release details of the TV later this week."
--- on ABA message board, November 3, 2001
"...I'll be in LA on Tuesday putting the final touches on our TV deal that will be announced shortly thereafter."
--- on ABA message board, November 3, 2001
"Yes, the ABA will be on TV this year with at least 12 games and the playoffs. We will be announcing details and specific games shortly."
--- on ABA message board, November 26, 2001

YOU JUST CAN'T PICK IT UP ON THE NORTH SIDE OF TOWN...
"We have a brand new ABA Radio Network in development as well as our TV."
--- on ABA Message Board November 17, 2001

WELL, AT LEAST A COUPLE OF THE EIGHT...WELL, THEN AGAIN....
"I feel that all eight owners will be back next year but feel that we might move one or two teams to other cities. The support hasn't been there."
--- interview on hoopsheaven.com, March 2001.

CROWD CONTROL
"Newman said he expects the ABA 2000's average attendance will be 5,000 fans per game."
--- Associated Press, October 5, 2000. (The average of the 121 games for which there were announced attendance figures was 1,743)
"I'll go on record right now and say that the home openers in Kansas City and Southern California will EXCEED any of those numbers (of NBDL/CBA openers). Watch."
--- on ABA Message Board November 19, 2001

WELL, SOMEONE SURE SHOULD BE
"Instead of ignoring your Memphis Houn'Dawgs, you should be embracing them and supporting them. And you should be embarrassed that a letter like this has been written."
--- an "open letter to the people of Memphis" emailed to Memphis area news media, February 2001

THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING TODAY...OR WHENEVER WE ANNOUNCE THIS STUFF....
"According to Newman and ABA commissioner Gary Elbogen, everything should be settled by Aug. 15. The second ABA draft is also scheduled for Aug. 15."
--- Kansas City Star, July 17, 2001
"As for announcements, I would say that within two weeks, the teams, names, venues and schedule will be announced."
--- on ABA message board, October 8, 2001
"At the league level, the league has hired its first marketing professional on staff (full time) and an announcement will be made next week. The league has also retained a national ad agency/PR company and that announcement will be made also."
--- on ABA message board, October 12, 2001
"However, prior to that team (sic) are actually signing players now and announcements should be forthcoming very shortly."
--- on ABA message board, October 15, 2001
"The Legends will be announcing their venue as soon as the lease is completed; look for an announcement early next week."
--- on ABA message board, October 17, 2001
"We'll begin making some announcements as early as this week or next of the first signings."
--- on ABA Message Board October 21, 2001
"The Legends will probably make its official announcement of the venue at a press conference next week at which we'll introduce our new Asst GM, Asst Coach, the venue, and our first signed players. We are formalizing all of these things this week."
--- on ABA message board, October 24, 2001

HUH?
"ABA2000 was chosen to give the league a modern look and tie into the bicentennial."
---- on ABA message board, October 27, 2001, or some 25 years, 3 months, and 23 days after the Bicentennial
"As Jack Nicholson said, "you wouldn't know the truth." (or whatever it is he said)."
--- on ABA Message Board October 31, 2001

IT'S SO SIMPLE, A 14-YEAR-OLD COULD DO IT...QUICK, GET ME A 14-YEAR-OLD
"We are working now on getting the website up to date and working effectively. That's on our agenda."
--- on ABA message board, October 6, 2001
"There has been a lot of concern about the website and the fact that it has not been updated. We are in the process of having it updated and will make some significant changes shortly."
--- on ABA message board, October 20, 2001
"Anyway, with the spring and summer, the people who operated the website, with no much going on, just left it on "neutral" until we got started again. We will re-activate some of the features shortly."
--- on ABA Message Board October 23, 2001
"The website is being updated, and the teams websites will be included in the update."
--- on ABA Message Board October 25, 2001
"As far as the website is concerned, it is being updated and will change within the next week-10 days."
--- on ABA message board, October 28, 2001
"We're working on the website; it will be updated very soon."
--- on ABA message board, October 29, 2001
"Further, the website is being updated - and team websites are now going up. Southern California is up; Indiana is following in next few days as are others."
---- on ABA Message Board November 3, 2001
"We need the website updated so that we can communicate some of the very interesting information that is developing in the ABA. We will get our issues resolved. We have identified the group (young, exciting, aggressive) that can provide the services needed if the issues with Hardwood are not resolved."
--- on ABA Message Board, November 20, 2001
"...tomorrow morning I will ask all teams to send their complete up-to-date information, including the new logos into the website for inclusion on the website. I'll ask for them to include late press releases, tryouts, personnel, signed players and coaches, and the other things that fans have been waiting for so long, including the schedule. I have been told that it will only be a matter of a very few days before the changes and updating will be evident. And hopefully, this particular strain will be eliminted (sic) forever."
--- on ABA Message Board, November 22, 2001.
"This morning I asked all of the teams to send all pertinent information about their teams, logos, tryouts, staff, venues, etc. on Monday for inclusion and updating on the website."
--- an ABA Message Board, November 24, 2001

IT WAS MY UNDERSTANDING THERE WOULD BE NO MATH...
"With just eight teams, we've had more overtime games than the 29-team NBA has had this year."
--- Ottawa Sun, February 24, 2001 (There were 12 overtime games in the ABA in 2000-2001)
"The ABA had half a dozen players with higher 3 point averages than the NBA's leaders."
--- on ABA message board, October 30, 2001 (There were, in fact, seven such players, but six of them had eight attempts or fewer. Only one player with more than 25 attempts---David Booth of Chicago---had a higher percentage than NBA leader Brent Barry (.500 to .476))
"The ABA 3-point line is closer (international 3 point line) and could have an impact on shooting percentages. Good thought."
--- on ABA message board, October 31, 2001 after it was pointed out to him that a closer three-pointer might be an easier three-pointer.

(more)

[Sam Hill]

(continued)

GET OUT YOUR DAYTIMER...HOW DOES JANUARY 23RD LOOK FOR YOU?
"The schedule is at the schedulemaker now. Six of the seven teams have confirmed dates, one hasn't, it should be confirmed tomorrow - put back into the computer and released."
--- on ABA message board, October 25, 2001
"The schedule is at the schedulemaker, should be complete and released next week."
--- on ABA message board, October 25, 2001
"Individual teams do have their venue dates and the draft schedule is being completed - should be done over the weekend or by Monday and will probably be announced Tuesday, more likely Wednesday."
--- on ABA message board, November 2, 2001
"I sent the revised ABA schedule to the owners this morning and will release the ABA schedule on Tuesday. Does that count for an announcement?"
--- on ABA message board, November 3, 2001
"The team schedules were released to all of the teams who will be releasing their schedules individually all this week. Real information."
---on ABA message board, November 5, 2001

IF WE CAN MAKE IT THERE....
"The New York team has selected a name, designed its logo and will announce it officially early next week."
--- on ABA message board, October 17, 2001
"There will be a NY team; unfortunately, it won't be in Westchester, the venue was too small. Sorry. Announcement next week. You'll be surprised."
--- on ABA message board, October 30, 2001
"Actually, (the venue) schrink (sic). They replaced the bench seats with regular seats and reduced the number of seats by 1500 - and did make it too small."
--- on ABA Message Board October 31, 2001
"Both the Express and Sound are good names; it is doubtful that either will be used, and will I won't divulge the name, I will tell you that it is unlikely that the team with be the Long Island anything...but rather New York something - and the something will be exciting."
--- on ABA message board, November 1, 2001
"NY will announce their venue this week. Good venue."
--- on ABA message board, November 3, 2001
"(New York team home) It will be released later this week."
--- on ABA message board, November 5, 2001
"We thought we had NY set. We even made the schedule with NY - and Friday night, it fell through."
---- on ABA Message Board November 14, 2001
"NY didn't fall through because of the venue. There were other factors, primarily time. But, it's not over till it's over."
--- on ABA Message Board November 16, 2001

KEEPING UP PUBLIC RELATIONS
"The more I read your postings, the surer I am that they're allowing patients at mental hospitals to have computers."
--- on ABA Message Board October 20, 2001
"Simple question? Did you graduate from grade school, junior high or high school. Aside from the fact that you postings make no sense, your grammar and spelling don't reach fourth grade level. I can understand why you don't use your real name; it would be an embarrassment to your family and friends. Perhaps night school would be fitting."
--- on ABA Message Board October 21, 2001
"Iamamazed. You've selected a great name. Are you still smarting over the fact that you didn't get the lead role in "Dumb or Dumber?""
--- on ABA Message Board October 23, 2001
"Personally, I find you a pain in the neck, but at least you are consistant."
--- on ABA Message Board October 24, 2001
"You continue to be a jerk and a joke."
--- on ABA Message Board October 31, 2001
"We were watching Fox News when the doorbell rang and there was a 5'9" ballerina in the cutest pink tutu wearing an I Love NBA hat, with a trick or treat bag in one hand, a laptop computer in the other and a huge medical attendant in the driveway. Julius, we gave you some extra candy because you said you would start being nicer on the website."
--- on ABA Message Board November 1, 2001
"Another particularly ugly email from a very unhappy and frustrated young man."
--- on ABA Message Board November 3, 2001
"After a long day shovelling llama manure, why don't you take a hot bath, use some Listerine, some Scope, some of your Mom's Apple Blossom perfume and relax."
---- on ABA Message Board November 3, 2001
"You simply do not know what you are talking about and all you do is confuse people."
---- on ABA Message Board November 5, 2001
"You are basically a sad, pathetic little person who wants badly to be a big shot."
--- on ABA Message Board November 17, 2001
"Linda Sue (Wondering). What a terrible email. Besides being meanspirited and angry, what are your other redeeming qualities? I was thinking over the weekend that it might be nice if you, I am (Little Fella), Naomi (Dr. J) and the others might like to consider trying out for the Legends cheerleading squad? We have the cutest little outfits in sizes 4, 6, and 8 that would look adorable on you. Please let me know. And I think I can get a trade out to get your hair and make up done. Thanks. Joe Newman"
--- on ABA Message Board November 19, 2001
"Mary Ellen (Hoopguy). Haven't heard from you in a while. Parole or bail?"
--- on ABA Message Board November 19, 2001
"Mother Goose. Interesting name for a 268 pound man. But if that's how you see yourself, so be it."
--- on ABA Message Board November 19, 2001
"Unfortunately, you and several of your other meanspirited, angry co-writers are impersonating men and I am simply suggesting that you use your names and your genders instead. For example, we know you're Rhonda, but you use Ronnie. Is that right?"
--- on ABA Message Board November 20, 2001
"Linda Sue (Wondering). You are anything but a legend on the website. Please don't flatter yourself. What you are is a meanspirited, angry young woman with no place to go, with nothing to do. Perhaps a Jerry Springer makeover might help; they do wonders. And I might suggest charm school so that you can learn some manners and can clean up your language so that you can be acceptable in mixed company. Then, instead of spending all of your time talking to your computer, you can interface with people and become socially acceptable. Have a good Thanksgiving. And if you have nobody to share it with, there are several missions open. Just behave yourself."
--- on ABA Message Board November 20, 2001

THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS
"Are you so oblivious to things happening in the world? What is it that makes you vent so much about the ABA and me? Are you aware of the problems in the economy (including problems in Detroit)? Are you aware that the country is at war against terrorism? Are you aware that people are frightened about Anthrax? What is going on inside of your twisted mind that makes what the ABA is or isn't doing so important."
--- on ABA Message Board November 2, 2001
"Whether the ABA plays or doesn't play, whether we have TV or not, whether we owe money or not - it's just not that important."
--- on ABA Message Board November 2, 2001
"Whether the ABA is successful or not successful, whether those that have outstanding payables are paid or not paid, whether the website is updated or not, whether I yell to loudly at games or not enough - is really not important in today's world."
--- on ABA Message Board November 18, 2001
"Quite frankly, I don't think that whether the ABA is a rousing success or not matters all that much in today's world."
--- on ABA Message Board November 19, 2001

NEXT, WE'LL GO AFTER THAT O'NEAL GUY...HE'S NOT HAPPY IN L-A
"The fact is TODAY I received calls from enough qualified players to fill six teams (I'm talking All Americans, former NBA players, NBA cuts, international players)."
--- on ABA Message Board October 25, 2001
"Many of the ABA players (and CBA players) were All Americans, McDonalds All Americans, 1st and 2nd round NBA draft picks, leading scorers and rebounders and assists in college."
--- on ABA message board, October 30, 2001
"Players are being signed, good quality players, many of whom played last year in the ABA, CBA, IBL and yes, the NBA too."
---- on ABA Message Board November 14, 2001

(more)

[Sam Hill]

(continued)

EVERYBODY HAS PROBLEMS, YA KNOW?
"I compare the ABA to other industries that have hired people in good faith, people who have bought homes, cars and planned their futures. Because of economic and other conditions, they are layed off, businesses go bankrupt, businesses move - leaving their workers stranded. Why don't you write some emails to those people. Why don't you write to Conseco, Ariba, Nortel, Cisco and others who have lost their shareholders billions of dollars and wreaked havoc with the lives of so many. It was not done on purpose by these companies, just as the problems of the ABA last year were done on purpose by the league and its owners."
--- on ABA Message Board October 23, 2001
"I'll also ask you, "how are lives affected by the closing of dot.com companies, layoffs in the airlines, the automobile manufacturers, the hospitality and retail industries? The economy and world conditions are such that there are problems. Why should the ABA be immune to them? Spare me."
--- on ABA Message Board October 23, 2001
"Again, this morning I saw where Sears and Kodak are laying off thousands of people, how frightened America is of anthrax, the jeopardy of our troops in action (my wife's son is a career Marine who has served in Desert Storm, Bosnia, Somalia - and could end up in Afganistan)- these things seem more important than the ABA and spelling errors."
--- on ABA Message Board October 24, 2001
"Do you think you're funny? Do you think the families of the victims of September 11th think you're funny? How about those with Anthrax? Are they laughing? Or maybe you think our military is enjoying your joke? Let's get closer to home. How about the hundreds of thousands of people being layed off because of the ecomony or businesses closing?"
--- on ABA Message Board October 30, 2001
"I think the ABA fans would like to see a copy of the email you sent to Major League Baseball about the possible closing of Montreal or Minnesota. Or, perhaps you'd like to email copies of the memos you sent to the Grizzlies for moving to Memphis or the Hornets' contemplated move to whereever. Unfortunately, unfortunate things happen to professional sports and other businesses - they are certainly not generic to the ABA."
--- on ABA Message Board October 31, 2001
"There are problems in the world and the ABA is not immune. How do you think the people of Burlington Industries, one of the world's leading textile companies, feel this morning with news of their bankruptcy? Not very well. How about the 7800 jobs that CitiGroup eliminated today? Is that funny?"
--- on ABA Message Board, November 16, 2001