Utica Wreckers to join USBL

[Chuck the Writer]

After what their press releases deemed as a "truly successful and unchallenged season in the ABA," the uncrowned champion Utica Wreckers have announced that they will enter the USBL.

Fans of the most popular ABA franchise not run by a Sports Illustrated reporter will thrill at the skills of 53-year-old center Schultz Dooley, full-blooded Native American forward Tyree Elk Deer, multi-sport cross-checking forward Sylvain Lemieux; nine-year-old point guard Purlie Scarvin; 15-time NBA champion head coach Bill Corona; the colorful dance team "Utica Mary and the Wrecked'em," the ultra-exciting mascot "Pickup," and the team's all-time leading scorer, a starting point guard that goes under the nickname of "Magpie."

"The USBL is folding faster than the underwear in my clothes closet," said team owner and starting point guard Joe Newman, "And this is the chance we've been waiting for to claim our second championship. You know, in the ABA we were undefeated against all teams that played us ethically and fairly - there were some franchises that did not understand what ethical and moral meant, and we don't count games against those as having been played. Meanwhile, we're going to assume the remaining schedule for one of the USBL teams - can't remember which one, maybe it's those NEPA Breakers who thought they could go it without us - and prove that we are the unstoppable force of minor league basketball."

The Wreckers have already claimed a 6-0 record in the USBL by assuming wins against New Jersey, Long Island and Jackson. "We were willing to play them, but they didn't show up. So we take the wins and that already puts us in first place," said Newman.

The Wreckers' first game in the USBL is scheduled to be against the Albany Patroons on Sunday, May 5th. More information to follow.

[Fells]

:mrgreen: They'reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!!!

[HAC]

Chuck .... that is too freakin' funny.

[The Sweeper]

Good to see the Wreckers back in a league. I see Chuck changed the name of the dance team (weren't the the Trailer trash?). They keep moving from league to league. Maybe in a couple seasons, they'll be an NBA expansion team. Dooley vs Nowitzki...Coming soon?

"Remeber, thay are't booing...They're saying Dooley"

[Chuck the Writer]

In a stunning development, the Utica Wreckers have announced that in the latest Probasketballnews.com web survey, the Wreckers are now listed as the fifth best minor league franchise.

"Sam Amico is an honorable man," said Wreckers owner and starting point guard Joe "the Magpie" Newman, "and he agreed, in exchange for a few shares of valuable ABA stock that I had in the back of my suitcase, to rank the Wreckers at the level they deserve. Unfortunately, we're not listed at the top of the overall minor league standings - perhaps I accidentally gave Mr. Amico some of that worthless USBL stock by accident."

The current list now reads as follows:

1. Vermont Frost Heaves (ABA)

2. Idaho Stampede (D-League)

3. Yakama Sun Kings (CBA)

4. Dakota Wizards (D-League)

5. Utica Wreckers (ABA/USBL)

6. Texas Tycoons (ABA)

7. Colorado 14ers (D-League)

8. Albany Patroons (CBA)

9. Beijing Olympians (ABA)

10. Minot Skyrockets (CBA)

The list at one time included the Sioux Falls Skyforce at #5, but according to the Wreckers spokesperson, the team should have been quickly removed from that list. "The Skyforce talked a lot of junk about how great they were," said Newman, "but they couldn't even beat those wimpy Dakota Wizards. Heck, we could have beat both those teams straight up - in fact, we hereby challenge the Dakota Wizards and the Skyforce to come to Utica and play against us Wreckers - playing of course, by USBL rules, with USBL officials, as cross-eyed and asthigmatic as they are, in a best three-out-of-five matchup. That seems fair and equitable - and the fans in Utica will once again see fan-friendly basketball at affordable prices."

More to follow...

[Pounder]

I'd like to nominate the Memphis Grizzlies as #8. Albany is SO overrated. :D

[Fells]

How about a grudge match between Utica and Rochester in the first ever PBL/USBL challenge?

[Chuck the Writer]

The Utica Wreckers, fresh from joining up with the United States Basketball League, are now making sure that no other teams try to "jump leagues" and take away their thunder. To that effort, the Wreckers, led by their team owner and starting point guard, Joe Newman, are suing in federal court to keep any teams from the Eastern Basketball Alliance from either joining or supporting the USBL.

"I never heard of this league," said Newman, "and if this league was worth anything, I would have heard about it. Who do they think they are, moving into the USBL like some chain restaurant trying to take publicity away from my McDonald's? How gauche!"

In the press release, Newman also questions the EBA's ethical standards. "If any of those teams in the EBA were any good, they would have paid a franchise fee and joined the ABA. Therefore, I am currently sending a bill to every franchise in the EBA, past and present, for $20,000. Once they pay that franchise fee, then they can join my league as expansion teams. And stay out of the USBL, that's going to be my league too some day!!"

more to follow...

[Chuck the Writer]

The Utica Wreckers' first game, originally scheduled against the Albany Patroons, was moved so that the Wreckers could give the Brooklyn Kings a much-needed home date. And while the Wreckers came up on the short end of a 95-83 loss, team owner and starting point guard Joe Newman disputes the score, claiming that the Wreckers actually won 98-95.

"First of all, we were not prepared to play the Brooklyn Kings," said Newman. "Who was the doofus who rearranged the league schedule at the last minute? That would never have happened in a real league like the ABA."

When asked about the dispute in scoring, Newman was equally adamant.

"We stole the ball at least 15 times in the backcourt and converted the shots. Therefore, we should benefit from the 3-D rule that allows a team to receive an extra point caused by a turnover in the backcourt."

When informed that the rule only applied to games played in the ABA, Newman defended his position.

"How can this team we played against call themselves the 'Kings' when we are the uncrowned kings of the ABA? And for that matter, if we go to another league, our rules package follows us - so we get the benefit of that 3-D rule. If the Brooklyn 'Queens' want to come and play in our league, then they can have the 3-D rule as well. Doesn't the Albany Patroons get seven points for every quarter they outscore their opponent in? If they can have that kind of an advantage, then why the heck can't we?"

For the record, the USBL lists the Wreckers with an 0-1 record, but Newman is disputing that as well.

"We should actually be 9-0, what with all our wins against Long Island, New Jersey and Jackson. Plus this win against Brooklyn. And that's all I have to say about that."

More to follow...

[Fells]

Bravo!! Bravo!! Now, they need to play a neutral site game in Vegas so I can see them play when I am there.

You realize of course the tale of the Wreckers is the ONLY reason I will come within a mile of a computer while I am on vacation.........

[Chuck the Writer]

In a shocking move that came as a surprise to the team, Utica Wreckers head coach Bill Corona, whose credits include voiceover work on several cartoons, as well as being the son of Mickey Rooney, has left the Wreckers to apply for the position of general manager of the ABA's Vermont Frost Heaves.

"While we are sorry to see Bill go," said Wreckers owner and starting point guard Joe Newman, "we wish him the best of luck in returning to the ABA, the Frost Heaves job is perfect for him with all his professional experience. Alex Wolff would have to be a doofus not to hire him."

In other news, the Wreckers have received notice from the USBL that they must carry two rookies on their squad for the rest of the season, as per USBL rules. To this effort, the team has signed C.J. Harper, a 6'2" forward from Mohawk Valley (NY) Community College. Harper, who averaged 1.5 points per game and 7.5 fouls per game for Mohawk Valley, joins the Wreckers after applying for - and being rejected by - the NBA, the CBA, the D-League, the IBL, the WBA, the Globetrotters, the Washington Generals, the Harlem Wizards, the House of David, Marathon Oil, the Phillips 66ers, and the Utica Chug-A-Lug Community Center Basketball League.

"Naturally, C.J. Harper is a prospect," said Newman, "and he's perfect for us to continue our championship season in the USBL with. I don't know how he earned 7.5 fouls a game, perhaps Mohawk Valley is in a league with unlimited fouls, or maybe the school suffers from a mathematics deficiency. Either way, as long as Harper is signed, he doesn't really have to play, and we can keep our starting lineup out there without any trouble."

The search for a new head coach is underway. More information to follow...

[Chuck the Writer]

In a stunning development, the Wreckers have announced that they have signed former CBA head coach Micheal Ray Richardson to patrol the sidelines as the Wreckers' new head coach.

"What a great hire for us," said Wreckers CEO and starting point guard Joe Newman. "Micheal has proven to be a character person and one of the most determined winners ever. He's definitely a quality person and a very quiet and softspoken coach who gets his plays across without screaming or cursing. In fact, I sat down with him at a McDonald's in Utica and while we were noshing on Egg McMuffins, he explained that he wanted to coach one more time. And since the USBL is the league of opportunity, why not give him that opportunity to help us win a championship?"

The Wreckers have also announced that they have signed center Valerio Dawson, a 6'8" 240 pound Utica College flunkout, to be their second "rookie" on their roster, fully complying with the USBL's second-season requirements. "Boy, am I glad we've got V.D. on our team," said Newman of his new acquisition. "V.D. can help us achieve our goals. Schultz Dooley said to me hat he's been familiar with V.D. - he's seen V.D. come and go a lot over the years. Purlie Scarvin says he wants to know everything there is about V.D. and Sylvain Lemieux says he will use his hockey stick to break down any protection against V.D."

V.D. Dawson will join the team as soon as he receives medical clearance and his yearly shots.

More to follow...

[Fells]

Holy fark, I am SO glad there isn't anyone else in the office at this gawd awful hour of the morning. I have been laughing so damn hard that I think I broke a rib and wasted ANOTHER cup of coffee when it came flying out of the honker and trashed another monitor. Chuck, you owe me about five grand in monitors now........Eh, screw it, I owe you dinner for cracking me up so bad.

[Chuck the Writer]

The Wreckers' first home game at the Clinton Arena in Clinton, N.Y., about 12 miles west of Utica proper, turned into a battle of wits and nitwits, as Utica earned a victory over the Albany Patroons 75-60. Albany has immediately protested the game, claiming that they did not receive any post-game statistics.

"It's not our fault," said Utica Wreckers team owner and starting point guard Joe Newman. "When we tried to install our Whummie Warry statistics program onto the Clinton Arena computer system, well, our program works with Windows 95, the Arena's computers are on this stupid Vista software, and for some reason the computer just kept showing us a blue screen."

The computer also operated the game clocks, scoreboards and timers, and with those disabled, the Wreckers had to play the game with some unique rule variations. "We hired two kids to write the score on a blackboard in the corner of the court," said Newman, "we said we would give them each $20 bucks to do it. Let's hope they forget that we offered it. Then I had the announcer count down the seconds for possession. Once we were ahead in the first half 35-34, I figured it was time for halftime, so I told the announcer to call halftime."

The game progressed into a very chippy contest, as Albany's Eric Williams and Utica's Valerio Dawson started jawing with each other - Williams knocked down "V.D." Dawson and was ejected from the game. "Williams didn't understand that you can't mess around with V.D.," said Newman, "it'll bite you in the rear end."

By the third quarter, Utica head coach Micheal Ray Richardson started arguing with an official on a disputed out of bounds call. The official threatened to run Richardson out of the building, but eventually Richardson went back to the bench without any further trouble. Two minutes later, after Albany scored on an outlook pass from Shawn Hawkins to Antoine Jordan, tying the game at 60-all, Richardson tried to call for referee Tommy Faigault's attention, "Hey Faigault, I'm talking to you, watch the game you @%#%!^ Faigault!"

At that point referee Faigault, thinking that Richardson had called him a pejorative term, T'd up the Utica coach and tossed him from the game. As a screaming Richardson was being led out of the Arena, he shouted, "I hope you die in your sleep, Faigault!"

But at that point, both teams were unsure as to how many minutes were left on the game clock - or, for that matter, how many points each team had scored, due to the two kids at the chalkboard running off to play the coin-operated Dance Dance Revolution game in the Arena's main foyer.

"Forget this," said Newman, "I called the game and figured that we would have scored 15 more points, so that's where it stood. If Albany was that good, they would have scored on us, but I don't think they could, because they came from the godless heathen CBA and we're from the virtuous victorious ABA."

More to follow...