Chuck the Writer
03-14-2007, 12:44 PM
In a shocking twist to the storied saga of the greatest ABA team in the history of professional basketball, the Utica Wreckers have decided not to participate in this year's ABA championship playoff. Several reasons were cited for the decision, including 9-year-old point guard Purlie Scarvin going away with his family that weekend to visit his aunt in Cobleskill; Tyree Elk Deer quitting the team after team owner and leading scorer Joe Newman reprimanded Elk Deer for not acquiring a sponsorship deal from his previous employer, Turning Stone Casino; 53-year-old center Schultz Dooley getting tired of receiving his salary in food stamps and government cheese; forward Sylvain Lemieux leaving an offer to go skate with the Flying Friars comedy hockey team; and head coach Bill Corona leaving the team to commit himself to providing voice work for the animated remake of Bambi Meets Godzilla (he is scheduled to play the voice of Bambi).
"When I joined this team," said Dooley, "I thought I was joining the Rec-ers, as in a recreational league team where I could play a few weekends and stay in shape. I didn't realize I had joined the wreck-ers, a team with an owner who wouldn't know a jump shot from a two-hand set shot. And I got tired of missing episodes of Law and Order just so go to games that were never played."
"You can't really run a team when there's this much turnover," said Joe Newman, essentially the last remaining player on the Wreckers franchise. "When we decided to come to this godforsaken hellhole of a town and provide the fans with quality fan-friendly basketball at affordable prices, we thought everybody would go along with the idea. How were we to know that we were right next to the town of Oriskany Falls, where they once threw a family reunion and the whole town showed up?"
Despite the Wreckers' withdrawal from the playoffs, they are credited with six playoff victories over Cape Cod, Maryland, Arkansas, Toledo, Mexicali and Aurora; if no other team wins more than six games, the Wreckers will be declared 2007 ABA champions.
"We will be strong for next season, and hope to return to the league and defend our championship title," said Newman of his franchise.
No more information to follow...
"When I joined this team," said Dooley, "I thought I was joining the Rec-ers, as in a recreational league team where I could play a few weekends and stay in shape. I didn't realize I had joined the wreck-ers, a team with an owner who wouldn't know a jump shot from a two-hand set shot. And I got tired of missing episodes of Law and Order just so go to games that were never played."
"You can't really run a team when there's this much turnover," said Joe Newman, essentially the last remaining player on the Wreckers franchise. "When we decided to come to this godforsaken hellhole of a town and provide the fans with quality fan-friendly basketball at affordable prices, we thought everybody would go along with the idea. How were we to know that we were right next to the town of Oriskany Falls, where they once threw a family reunion and the whole town showed up?"
Despite the Wreckers' withdrawal from the playoffs, they are credited with six playoff victories over Cape Cod, Maryland, Arkansas, Toledo, Mexicali and Aurora; if no other team wins more than six games, the Wreckers will be declared 2007 ABA champions.
"We will be strong for next season, and hope to return to the league and defend our championship title," said Newman of his franchise.
No more information to follow...