For Immediate Release

[formerlyknownasfells]

ABA Director of Media Relations Chris Munson is pleased to announce the Utica Wreckers have been named the 2007-2008 ABA champions.

Despite the fact the Vermont Frost Heaves won the title game, it was found that many outside of Vermont did not have a clue as to what a Frost Heave actually is. Because of this, the Frost Heaves were disqualified and the title handed to the Wreckers.

Munson said of the stunning announcement, "The Utica Wreckers have been a model franchise. They are undefeated in the last two seasons, and well, everyone knows what a Wrecker is, so it is logical that Utica be awarded the title."

After the announcement, power forward Sylvain Lemieux said, "Dude, this is freaking cool. It so much cooler than when I drew 94 penalty minutes in one fight. Man, during that fight, I bashed a ref's skull in, slashed a cheerleader and made a goalie cry for his mommy."

CEO Joe Newman said, "This makes me so happy I think I will have TWO Egg McMuffins the next time I pass through the great city of Utica."

[The Sweeper]

Just farking great...Here I buy a Wreckers jersey and think it will be a collector's item. You reverse the decision (WITHOUT any sort of replay from PlayOn!, a division of Turner Sports). Now everyone will want one!

On a side note, Chris spent a little too much time in a northern Vermont sugar house this weekend....

[Paul S]

Did they beat the Philadelphia Experiments?

That team of invisible men who participated in the ABA?

[Chuck the Writer]

In a stunning set of developments, the Utica Wreckers, newly crowned 2008 ABA Champions, will have a parade through Genesee Street to celebrate their championship.

"It's about freakin' time I won a championship," said Wreckers team owner Michael Tuckman. "Now maybe i can actually make a profit from this sport."

The championship trophy, symbolizing excellence in the American Basketball League, was recently procured from Honest Petro's Pawn Shop in New Hartford, for approximately $5.00. The original nameplate, which read "Congratulations Junior Varsity, Perfect Attendance" was removed and, until a new nameplate can be added, the words "Utica Wreckers 2008 ABA Champions" was printed with a Sharpie on white medical tape.

Valerio "V.D." Dawson was the first to raise the championship trophy above his head. Fifteen minutes and two gallons of disinfectant later, the trophy was handed to Tyree Elk Deer, another Wreckers player. The trophy was passed around to all participants on the team, and championship rings were also bestowed to all the players.

"The rings cost us about $45 total," said Tuckman, "It took Purlie Scarvin forever to get those rings out of the Sugarloaf claw machine at the Denny's off Exit 31 of the Thruway."

Noticeably not present at the ceremony was former benchwarmer Mark "The Scew" McSechlure, who could not get time off from his job as assistant dishwasher at Friendly's.

"We plan on defending our championship against all comers," said Tuckman. "Bring on the CBA - Bring on the PBL - Bring on the frickin' D-League, it don't matter to us. We'll beat 'em all, by hook or by crook. When you think champions, you think Utica - the one team to have if you're having more than one!"

With that, Tuckman cracked open a can of Schaefer beer - and was promptly arrested, for violating Utica city code 3.1519 - drinking a non-approved alcoholic beverage within city limits ("approved" alcoholic beverages include Utica Club, Matt's Premium, Fort Schuyler or any of the Saranac family of beers).

The Wreckers will start selling season tickets for the 2008-09 campaign. Good seats are still available. And if you bring your sneakers and a warmup jacket, you could actually get in a game. Especially if the other team doesn't show up.

More to follow...

[formerlyknownasfells]

Brand spanking new ABA Director of Media Relations Chris Munson announced today that Utica Wreckers coach Michael Tuckman has been suspended for the first three games of the 2008-2009 season following his arrest at the Wreckers championship celebration.

CEO Joe Newman said of the suspension, "I am shocked that Mr. Tuckman would get arrested for such an act. He knows full well that drinking in public is illegal and he needs to be punished." Newman continued to say, "Here is the thing I am more shocked at is he could have at least been schnockered beyond all belief when he got busted. I mean, this was supposed to be a party for a team that provides fan friendly and affordable entertainment to the great city of Utica." Because of the fact Tuckman was not blasted out of his skull, he was handed an additional two game ban.

Tuckman said of the suspension, "What? I am suspended? This league doesn't hand out suspensions. I mean Cedric McGinnis ran over a ref at the Great Eight and he got a slap on the hand. This is a crock, I am appealing. To whom? Hell I don't know!!!" Tuckman then caught a flight to New Hampshire.