Chuck the Writer
02-12-2008, 07:01 AM
In an amazing development, the Utica Wreckers have defeated the team that nobody thought would ever lose this season, as they whipped the Beijing Aoshen Olympian 135-80 and 145-60 in two games played at the Utica Memorial Auditorium over the weekend. The games, the first in which the Wreckers actually played the contest rather than take a forfeit when the team didn't show up, puts the Wreckers strongly in the playoff hunt.
"I don't understand why everybody had problems playing against the Beijing team," said Wreckers spokesperson Abia Ausichser. "They were supposed to send us $3,000 to go to Beijing and play their games. But see, we came up with a better idea. We took the $3,000 they sent us, went down to Too Long Yak Yak Chinese Restaurant on Genesee Street, and asked if anybody there knew how to play basketball. Five Chinese restaurants later, we had a team - paid for with the Beijing franchise's money, so we consider them players from Beijing."
With the money left over, the Wreckers outfitted their opponents with nice uniforms. "We went to Clyde's T-Shirt Shop and told them to make up 6 basketball jerseys for the Beijing Aoshen Olympian team. Okay, when the jerseys arrived at the Auditorium they said "BAY CHING OW SHIN O'LIMPYAN," but that's Clyde's fault. I thought he was knowledgeable about the ABA, he told me his previous job was as the press release writer for the Georgia Gwizzlies."
In any case, the game went on as scheduled, with Purlie Scarvin leading the team with 35 points and 10 steals. Valerio "V.D." Dawson had 6 blocked shots, the last one requiring the Wreckers to replace the game ball after the opponents claimed they didn't want to touch the ball after it came in contact with VD. New acquisitions Seek Batchum Gai and Pablo Pootafreeo had 20 and 15 points, respectiely, for the Wreckers.
In the second game, the Wreckers pulled off an amazing stunt, as former hockey player-turned-small forward Sylvain Lemieux scored a quadruple-double of 35 points, 20 rebounds, 15 assists, 15 steals and nine blocked shots, one shy of the legendary quintuple-double.
The only low point for the Wreckers in the two-game series was that their reserve player, Mark "The Scew" McSechlure also earned a triple-double of his own, coughing up 15 turnovers, heaving 13 bricks at the free throw line, and committing 10 personal fouls - all of this in the first half of play, before he was benched for the rest of the match, after which time Utica's opponents did not score. He then called the officials several different profanities, informed everybody in the building that he once played for the mighty Portland Mountain Cats of the USBL, that when he speaks people pay $100,000 to hear him, and that he is the best-looking person in the whole wide world. He was then Tee'd up and sent to the showers. Later that day, after the Wreckers celebrated their victories at a local Friendly's restaurant, they could still hear McSechlure, in the kitchen washing dishes because he didn't have enough money to pay for his Happy Ending sundae, still ranting about his superiority over all humans.
"No matter what, we're going to the playoffs," said Abia Ausichser, "and there's nobody that can stop us. Bring on Vermont, bring on Manchester, bring on Houston, bring on Reno - we'll beat them so bad they'll have to call Child Protective Services on us!"
More to follow...
"I don't understand why everybody had problems playing against the Beijing team," said Wreckers spokesperson Abia Ausichser. "They were supposed to send us $3,000 to go to Beijing and play their games. But see, we came up with a better idea. We took the $3,000 they sent us, went down to Too Long Yak Yak Chinese Restaurant on Genesee Street, and asked if anybody there knew how to play basketball. Five Chinese restaurants later, we had a team - paid for with the Beijing franchise's money, so we consider them players from Beijing."
With the money left over, the Wreckers outfitted their opponents with nice uniforms. "We went to Clyde's T-Shirt Shop and told them to make up 6 basketball jerseys for the Beijing Aoshen Olympian team. Okay, when the jerseys arrived at the Auditorium they said "BAY CHING OW SHIN O'LIMPYAN," but that's Clyde's fault. I thought he was knowledgeable about the ABA, he told me his previous job was as the press release writer for the Georgia Gwizzlies."
In any case, the game went on as scheduled, with Purlie Scarvin leading the team with 35 points and 10 steals. Valerio "V.D." Dawson had 6 blocked shots, the last one requiring the Wreckers to replace the game ball after the opponents claimed they didn't want to touch the ball after it came in contact with VD. New acquisitions Seek Batchum Gai and Pablo Pootafreeo had 20 and 15 points, respectiely, for the Wreckers.
In the second game, the Wreckers pulled off an amazing stunt, as former hockey player-turned-small forward Sylvain Lemieux scored a quadruple-double of 35 points, 20 rebounds, 15 assists, 15 steals and nine blocked shots, one shy of the legendary quintuple-double.
The only low point for the Wreckers in the two-game series was that their reserve player, Mark "The Scew" McSechlure also earned a triple-double of his own, coughing up 15 turnovers, heaving 13 bricks at the free throw line, and committing 10 personal fouls - all of this in the first half of play, before he was benched for the rest of the match, after which time Utica's opponents did not score. He then called the officials several different profanities, informed everybody in the building that he once played for the mighty Portland Mountain Cats of the USBL, that when he speaks people pay $100,000 to hear him, and that he is the best-looking person in the whole wide world. He was then Tee'd up and sent to the showers. Later that day, after the Wreckers celebrated their victories at a local Friendly's restaurant, they could still hear McSechlure, in the kitchen washing dishes because he didn't have enough money to pay for his Happy Ending sundae, still ranting about his superiority over all humans.
"No matter what, we're going to the playoffs," said Abia Ausichser, "and there's nobody that can stop us. Bring on Vermont, bring on Manchester, bring on Houston, bring on Reno - we'll beat them so bad they'll have to call Child Protective Services on us!"
More to follow...